Assertiveness

"It is choice, not chance that determines destiny." - Anonymous 

If you have been asking yourself "How do I become more assertive?" You won't find your assertiveness in this post, in any book, audio or video, or from any other person. That is because you already have everything you need. You have an abundant, infinite, unlimited supply of assertiveness inside of you. You were born with it.  No one gave it to you, and no one can take it away.  Once you know that, and start to believe it, you are already well on your way.

 

But your success will depend on your personal approach. Most people tend to approach self-improvement in one of three ways:

 

1. I should probably do this, but I'd rather be doing something else like watching Netflix.
2. This is great! I can't wait to get started!
3. This will never work for me.

 

If you tend to choose number one, well at least you are honest. If you tend to choose number two, you are the type of person I want to experience the journey with! And actually, if you tend to choose number three, you are right…it won't work for you. The fact is it's your choice to tap into your assertiveness. You have the ability to control your outcome. Nothing and no one else can or will do it for you. You have to put in the work.

 

Assertiveness itself is an approach, a way of living and a way of being. It lives within the language that you use, your demeanor, your attitude, in your goals and desires. Assertiveness is not the same as aggressiveness, manipulation or tricks, bullying or intimidation.

 

By learning to use your assertiveness you will relieve yourself of unnecessary stress from all of the 'I would've, could've, and should've said or done something's'. Realize, that others admire, respect and are naturally drawn to people who can state their position with clarity and confidence, without unnecessarily causing pain to others. They say what they mean and mean what they say. They are able to say 'no' when they need to.

 

Being more assertive does more to satisfy your needs. If you want what you want, you have to let others know what you want, period. If you never ask, you'll likely never receive, other than if by luck or chance. Your chances increase by asserting your right to ask. Ultimately, you will feel better about yourself by learning to be more assertive. If you tend to obsess, complain and gripe about what you want and need, but never do anything about it, this becomes a tremendous drain on your mental, physical and emotional well-being. Assertive behavior means not taking a problem to those who will just agree with you, but rather to those who can do something about it.

 

Both sides of every encounter or situation has 'rights'. If you are overly passive then you may have an exaggerated view of others' rights and limited view of your own rights.  If you are overly aggressive then it's the opposite, you have an exaggerated view of your own rights and limited view of others' rights. When in a confrontational situation, your comfort, your ease in stating your opinion and your satisfaction with your behavior later on will be enormously improved if you consider who has rights and what they are.

 

It's important to remember your BILL OF ASSERTIVE RIGHTS:

 

1. You have the right to think of yourself first since your opinion of yourself is more important than others' opinion of you.
2. You have the right to manage your own life, but no one else's.
3. You have the right to stand up for yourself and you are responsible for your own actions.
4. You have the right to try to influence others, but not to expect that you can change others or expect that they will always do what you want.
5. You have the right to behave as you choose as long as that behavior does not hurt or deprive others of their rights.
6. You have the right to say "I don't know," "I don't understand," "I need more time to think about that." or "I don't care."
7. You have the right to change your mind.
8. You have the right to make mistakes, and be responsible for them.
9. You have the right to say 'no' without feeling guilty.

 

In every situation, you have rights. Learn to exercise them gracefully and you may be surprised with your outcomes. Being assertive means being able to stand up for your own (and sometimes other people's rights) in a calm and positive way, without being either overly aggressive, or in passively accepting wrong. Assertive individuals are able to get their point across without upsetting others, or becoming upset themselves. Learn to express your thoughts, feelings and beliefs in direct, honest and appropriate ways.

 

If you live your life to please everyone else, you will continue to feel frustrated and powerless. This is because what others want may not be good for you. They are also looking out for themselves and may not be consciously thinking of your needs. You are not being mean when you say NO to unreasonable demands or when you express your ideas, feelings, and opinions, even if they differ from those of others.

 

It is a mistake to look at someone who is self-assertive and say, "It's easy for them, they have good self-esteem." One of the ways you build self-esteem is by being self-assertive when it is not easy to do so. There are always times when self-assertiveness requires courage, no matter how high your self-esteem.

 

Assertive behavior includes:

 

• Being open and honest in expressing wishes, thoughts and feelings and encouraging others to do the same.
• Listening to the views of others and responding appropriately, whether you are in agreement with those views or not.
• Accepting responsibilities and also being able to trust and delegate to others when appropriate.
• Regularly expressing appreciation of others for what they bring to the table, for what they have done or are doing.
• Being able to admit to mistakes and apologize when necessary.
• Maintaining self-control in all situations.
• Behaving as an equal to others, and respecting their rights to their opinions.
• Being brave and confident in stating your opinion.

 

Change your thoughts, change your behavior, change your actions and you will change your life.

 

Make today great!

 

Curtis

 

"To be passive is to let others decide for you. To be aggressive is to decide for others. To be assertive is to decide for yourself. And to trust that there is enough, that you are enough." - Edith Eva Eger