Learning To Forgive Yourself, and Others

"Forgiveness is not always easy.  At times, it feels more painful than the wound we suffered, to forgive the one that inflicted it.  And yet, there is no peace without forgiveness." - Marianne Williamson

 

It is difficult to forgive. Both ourselves or someone else. It's definitely easier said than done. But whether we like to admit it or not, refusing to forgive is basically stating that we prefer to live in the past and blame someone or even ourselves. Instead of taking positive action, attempting to resolve the situation, or simply letting go, we choose to live with the anger, sorrow, pain, guilt, or mental anguish we may feel inside.

 

Forgiving others for something they may have said or done can be extremely difficult. In our minds, we have justified that it is their problem, not ours, so we withhold forgiveness. We think to ourselves, "That'll show them!" But chances are the other person isn't losing any sleep over it. In fact, sometimes, they may not even realize what they may have said or done. By refusing to address the situation and forgive, we are the ones that suffer.

 

In actuality, if we hold on to these ill feelings inside, we are not taking responsibility for our own lives. We allow others to dictate our thoughts, feelings, and emotions and blame them for our unhappiness. Forgiving doesn't mean turning a blind eye to any actual hurt, injustice, or wrongdoings that may have been done, or necessarily mean letting someone off the hook, so to speak. It simply means controlling what you can control by not allowing outside circumstances to overtake your feelings and emotions.

 

The bottom line is everyone makes mistakes. Everyone fails from time to time. Everyone makes bad decisions. Everyone makes false assumptions. Everyone jumps to conclusions. Everyone has let someone down. Everyone has faults. Everyone, including you and me. It's impossible to live in the world and not make mistakes. As humans, we all are imperfect. No one is ever free from making mistakes.

 

Blaming, however, is an option. Blaming gets us nowhere. We need to realize and accept that perfection is not possible. Everyone can strive to improve themselves and become better versions of themselves. Learning to forgive others can help to improve a relationship, a situation, and even our own mental and physical health.

 

If we think forgiving others is hard, forgiving ourselves can be even more challenging. Some people spend their entire lives listening to their negative inner voices. Basically punishing themselves repeatedly, both mentally and physically, for what they believe to be their own shortcomings. It's easy to neglect self-love and self-forgiveness. However, this can lead to feelings of guilt or shame, resulting in unhealthy self-sabotage behaviors, eating disorders, drinking problems, and deliberately destroying personal and professional relationships. This can be both destructive and dangerous.

 

Forgive yourself. Learn from it. And move on instead of obsessing and ruminating over it when you make a mistake. This process is the same whether you are working through a minor or major mistake. And as difficult as it may be, it will be a painful process that will be worth it in the long run. Making peace with yourself and moving forward is often easier said than done. Being able to forgive yourself requires empathy, compassion, kindness, and understanding. It also requires you to accept that forgiveness is a choice. And we all have the power to choose. Make a choice to learn to forgive.

 

Here's the key. To have greater peace with others, we must first have peace with ourselves. If we want to be able to forgive others, we must first be able to forgive ourselves. We have to silence our negative inner voice and allow a kinder, more peaceful, nurturing inner voice to take its place.

 

Many people attempt to solve these personal, professional, and relationship issues by focusing only on external factors: Other people, the weather, a job, traffic, the situation, circumstances, and many other things, primarily with things that may be out of your control.

 

Instead, when we choose to forgive ourselves and others by acknowledging that mistakes happen, we choose to let go; we can free ourselves from the past. It is in that freedom where a transformation process takes place. Learning to love and forgive ourselves will shift our perspectives and mindsets, enabling us to make far more significant changes in our lives. We can respond in ways that make the original error worse, or we can decide to take constructive action. The choice is ours. What we do after we make a mistake is more important than the original error.

 

Here are some tips you can try the next time you want to forgive yourself.

 

• Take full responsibility for your mistakes. There is something positive to be gained and learned from every experience. Something that can provide insight, motivation, or incentive to avoid repeating the same mistakes in the future. Reminding ourselves that we did the best we could with the tools and knowledge we had at the time will help us forgive ourselves and move forward.
• Suppose we ultimately view things as either failure or success and not a learning potential. In that case, we don't gain anything from our mistakes. And will hinder the opportunity for growth. A mistake is simply an unfortunate event. It doesn't define you, but what you do or don't do as a result of it might.
• Try to see it from a different perspective. The problem may seem enormous right now. But how will it be tomorrow, or next week, or next month, or next year?  If we anticipate how it may look at a time in the future, the mistake may seem minor. We might not even remember it.
• Be aware of thoughts and what your inner-critic is saying. Be cautious to ensure you are not sabotaging your ability to forgive yourself. We can be our own worst critics. We need to notice when this is happening to silence this voice in our head. Also, be mindful of your feelings and emotions. It may not be easy, but you should allow yourself to recognize and accept these feelings and emotions as a necessary part of the healing process.
• Learn to identify your triggers. What sets you off? What sends you down the wrong path? Then learn to interrupt that mental state. Interrupting the thought pattern can help you move away from the negative experience and reduce stress and anxiety. This can allow you to break unhealthy patterns, focus on a solution and find healthier ways of coping with mistakes.
• Stop ruminating over the past. Learn from it and move on. Too often, we spend time and energy replaying our mistakes over and over in our minds. If we can't accept ownership of the past, learn from it, and move on, we aren't taking the necessary steps towards forgiving.
• Take an honest look at what your desired outcomes are. If you made a mistake or hurt someone else, determine how you would prefer the situation to be. What is the best course of action to make amends? To make amends is more than just saying you're sorry. It's about working to fix the mistake you've made. But if we forgive ourselves first, it will be easier to make amends.
• Show yourself some kindness and compassion. Allow yourself some grace. This takes time and effort. Remind yourself that you are worthy of forgiveness. Self-forgiveness means to provide compassion and empathy to ourselves the same way we give it to others. Often, it's easier to tell someone else what to do than to take our own advice. Ask yourself what you would tell your best friend if they were sharing this mistake they made with you, and then take your own advice.

Forgiveness is vital to the healing process since it allows you to let go of the anger, guilt, shame, sadness, or any other feeling you may be experiencing and move on. Once you identify what you're feeling, give a voice to it and accept that mistakes are inevitable. You'll begin to see how freeing forgiveness can be. We would all be happier if we could release some of this burden. There is no point in continuing to wallow in these memories and plenty of reasons to move on.

 

Make today great!

 

Curtis

 

"Forgiveness for ourselves and others is one of the main elements in growth. It allows us to free ourselves of the issues that are holding us down." - Nanette Mathews