Master Your Fears

"Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear - not absence of fear." - Mark Twain

 

What are you afraid of? What do you fear? I'm not talking about the fears like the fear of heights, clowns, or spiders. I'm talking about the ones that are holding you back on a day-to-day basis from achieving your goals. The ones that we create in our minds that stop us from living the life we crave or deserve. These self-defeating thoughts, emotions, beliefs, and habits, sabotage us along our way. Fear of failure, fear of rejection, fear of humiliation, fear of not fitting in, fear of not being liked or appreciated, fear of not being enough; not good enough, not talented enough, not smart enough, not pretty enough.

 

One of the biggest things that hold us all back the most is fear. Fear is and has always been our greatest enemy of man, and perhaps the greatest challenge you will ever face in life. When Franklin D. Roosevelt said, “The only thing we have to fear is fear itself,” he was explaining that the emotion of fear, rather than the reality of what we fear, is what causes us anxiety, stress, and unhappiness.

 

We can typically have one of three responses to fear:

• We can try to avoid them.
• We can sit idle and wait in hope that they will just magically go away.
• Or, we can learn to face them courageously and overcome them.

Of course, there's only one true healthy response to fear, and that is facing it courageously.  But where do we begin? How can we constructively face our fears? How do we change our response to fear? We should approach fear the same way we approach anything within us that we desire to change.

• We must be aware of our fears. We must recognize what we are afraid of. 
• We must learn to identify our emotional triggers or cues.
• We must accept them for what they are. Don't give them more than they deserve. Know and understand we tend to amplify it in our minds. 
• We must learn what typical habitual response we have that needs to be changed.
• We must create a plan and take action. Focus on what you can control. 

First, we must seek to understand fear. Fear usually resides in feelings rather than facts. With all the recent events in our communities, our country, and the world, it’s clear to see that ignorance breeds fear. When we have limited information, our doubts dominate us. Ignorance causes us to fear change, fear the unknown, and avoid trying anything new or different. If we only took the time to learn more, educate ourselves, and understand what we may not know, we would have the courage to change everything. 

Understanding fear and what fear is can be one of the greatest breakthroughs you have in life. The reality that fear is a natural part of the human being mechanism system, it's part of the survival mechanism in the brain so that anytime we begin to move in the direction of anything we haven't experienced before then fear kicks in because what the brain is essentially saying is I'm not exactly sure what's going to happen here, so we shouldn't go there because something bad might happen. The very act of gathering more and better information about a particular subject increases our courage and confidence in that area. 

You can see this in the parts of your life where you have no fear at all because you know what you are doing. You feel competent in handling whatever happens.  The more we know, the less we fear.

 

There isn't a day-to-day threat that requires this fear to be ever-prevalent in our lives. And in fact, what happens is every time we want to pursue something new; we want to establish a new relationship; we want to move on to a better job; we want to create our own business; we want to do something that requires some form of risk, then fear kicks in.

 

A couple of things we must realize about fear…

 

EVERYONE HAS THEM: You are not alone. Each person has something they are afraid of. Most people experience some level of fear when they are approaching something new or unknown in life. There are many fears. Some commonly held phobias include: Personal fears, like fear of public speaking, fear of failure, fear you lack ability, fear of being ridiculed, fear of doing something wrong, fear of leaving your comfort zone, fear of being taken advantage of, or fear of advocating for your own needs. Some people fear sickness, death, loneliness, old age. Some people fear things like insects or heights. A lot of people have financial fears, like fear of a stock market crash, losing your job, living in poverty, or other financial problems. Most people have some fear of change, of uncertainty, of the unknown, or fear of taking action in chaotic times. 

Leaders aren't immune to fear, either. Peter the Great trembled and wept whenever he had to cross a bridge. Julius Caesar was terrified by thunder and would hide in a cave during severe storms. Realize that if know that everyone has them, yet there are many people out there that are doing that very thing despite the fear, then we must conclude that fear itself is not the problem. It's our mindset and our perception of fear. It's the meaning and the power we allow the fear to have. If we give it the power, then the fear is in control and it will consume us. We need to take back our internal power. Here are some tips on reclaiming our internal power:

• Avoid blaming external forces for any bad feelings you might have about life. Nothing outside of you controls your thinking or your actions unless you let it. You are in control.
• Avoid blaming yourself too harshly for not always being in control. It's natural and it happens. Do the best you can with what you have, knowing that you are on your way. Give yourself a break and some credit.
• Avoid seeing yourself as a victim of circumstances. Take responsibility and own it. Life happens for you, not to you.
• Be aware that your biggest enemy is your internal critic and the messages that you allow. Mel Robbins said "There will always be someone who can't see your worth. Don't let that someone be you." The most important things you say are the things you say to yourself, about yourself, when you are by yourself.

FEAR CAN BE DESTRUCTIVE IF WE LET IT:  

Fear breeds more fear. It feeds upon itself. If we give into it or avoid what we're afraid of, we don't gain the confidence or experience to conquer it, which makes us more afraid of it, resulting in even more fear. Don't give in to it, or give it control.

It creates delay or inaction. Fear keeps us stuck where we are. We become tense and insecure about the outcome of our actions. So we procrastinate and we put off doing what we are scared to do. Fear paralyzes and immobilizes us, keeping us from taking constructive action in the direction of our dreams and goals. We may become so afraid of what possibly might happen, that we fail to take any action at all.  It clouds our judgment and our thinking. It removes our focus and creates chaos, leading to poor decisions. We then tend to do misuse our energy and do our worst or fail to accomplish what we need to. The best way to combat it is to feel the fear but take action anyway.

It can lead to self-isolation. We withdraw from others in an effort not to have our fears exposed. Don't be afraid to talk about your fears. Remember chances are high that others are experiencing similar fears.

 

Secondly, we need to face fear head-on. Fear is real, but the reality is only in our minds. We create it and amplify it in our minds. We need to come to terms with what we fear. We need to be aware of our fears. We all make mistakes. We all screw up from time to time. We all have weaknesses. We all have growth opportunities and skills we need to develop. We never help people by trying to cover up our failures. Admit them and realize you'll make them. Something about owning up to our failures helps us deal with the fear of making them. The only way to deal with fear is to face it. Avoiding our fears only prevents us from moving forward—it makes us anxious. But be gentle with yourself and do only what feels safe to you!  If you find yourself getting more panicky, take a break and find something pleasant or comforting to notice or do. If it feels safe later, you can try to explore your fear again, taking breaks as needed. If you find it difficult to address chronic fears or anxiety on your own, note that therapists can be invaluable in helping work through avoiding strategies.  Know that mistakes or failures are part of the growing and learning process. They are going to happen. There is always a lesson to be learned. Make your corrections and readjust, then try again.

 

Thirdly, we need to accept fear for what it is. We need to understand that fear is common and necessary in life. We must create a different mindset around fear and failure. Failing is a norm and a stepping stone for growth and success. We must accept fear as the price of progress. We have the terrible idea that we can eventually rid ourselves of fear. However, if you want to grow, then you will encounter fears for the rest of your life. The good news: each victory over fear adds to your confidence and helps you to overcome fear again in the future. It's important to acknowledge though that everything we want is in the unknown, everything we want is in the uncertain, in other words, everything you want right now in your life you don't have so it's going to exist in the future that you don't know about, so at some point, fear is going to kick in as soon as you start to pursue it. What fear means is that you're moving in the right direction. What fear means is you're expanding as a human being. What fear means is you're moving into the unknown where you may discover something that you've never discovered before. A new relationship, a new job, more wealth. So the next time you experience fear just know that you're doing the right thing. See the fear for what it is, a signal that you're moving into the unknown where everything you want resides. The mistake that most people make is they believe that if fear shows up that's some sort of a signal that you should stop moving forward, maybe you're doing something wrong, and nothing could be further from the truth. So many people live in fear today, so many people in your life who are feeling stuck because of fear. But if we can begin to realize fear for what it is then we can begin to live the lives that we deserve.  Everything we want to achieve or be in life is waiting for us on the other side of fear.

 

Lastly, we need to create a game plan and a course of action:

• Develop a healthy sense of what you can control, and focus on those things. You can control your thoughts, your attitude, your actions, and your effort. You can't always control what happens to you, but you can control how you respond. You can't control the actions of others, but you can control the meaning you give it. Remember that life happens for you, not to you, the true measure is what happens IN you.
• Develop a burning desire within yourself to face fears head-on. Desire propels you to go where you're afraid to go and to do what you're scared to do. Desire pulls you through and forces you to act.  Feel the fear and take action anyway. You've gotten through them before, you can do it again, you can do it now.
• Develop healthy habits of courage. The habit of courage can be learned just as any other habit is learned, through repetition. We need to constantly face and overcome our fears to build up the kind of courage that will enable us to deal with the inevitable ups and downs of life, unafraid. The starting point in overcoming fear and developing courage is to look at the factors that predispose us toward being afraid. We have both fear and courage within ourselves. Here's what I've learned: you cannot purge either one. However, you can weaken the emotion of fear by starving it. Whichever impulse we feed dominates. When we feel fear, but act anyway, we deprive fear of nourishment and strengthen the impulse of courage inside of us.
• Develop and promote positivity. Learn how to increase positive emotions. Fear causes us to notice and remember negative events, which reinforces our sense that the world is a scary place. We can work to change that by deliberately noticing what is positive—the joy we feel when we see someone we love, the pleasure of a sunny day, the beauty in nature, the fun of an outing, the humor in a situation. The more we practice positivity, the more it builds, creating a resilience that allows us to function even in difficult times.
• Develop a good support system. Learn more about social support. Fear can also cause us to feel disconnected from others. The longevity project also found that one of the key predictors for the longevity of people who had encountered trauma in their lives was the strength of their social relationships. There are many reasons for this. Friends and family can help us make a realistic assessment of the threat. With the support of others, we feel more confident that we can deal with issues. And physically, having a loved one close calms us and reduces the fight or flight response.
• Develop an understanding of what fear does to your physical being. Learn to counter the stress and anxiety created by fear. If the fear or anxiety is milder, you can try mindfulness meditation. All you need to do is sit quietly and observe the present moment. If fear or anxiety arises, recognize it. If you can, be curious. Observe the anxiety. Notice how it feels in your body. Notice any associated thoughts.  See if you can observe it as it is; don’t get involved in the story, or try to get rid of it or change it.   And when you need it, take a break and turn your attention to something neutral, like your breath or hands in your lap.  Note that anytime you feel too agitated to be curious, it may be best to stop and open your eyes and notice objects in the room, or take a little walk. 

Identify ways to create a sense of personal control or mastery in your life. Eleanor Roosevelt said this about fear: "You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, ‘I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.' The danger lies in refusing to face the fear, in not daring to come to grips with it. If you fail anywhere along the line, it will take away your confidence. You must make yourself succeed every time. You must do the thing you think you cannot do."

 

Overcoming fear is essential to your success. The future belongs to the risk-takers, not the security seekers. Life is perverse in the sense that, the more you seek security, the less of it you have. But the more you seek opportunity, the more likely it is that you will achieve what you desire. Each time we face our fear, we gain strength, courage, and confidence in the doing. When you develop the habit of courage and unshakable self-confidence, a whole new world of possibilities opens up for you. Just imagine what would you dare to dream or be or do if you weren't afraid of anything in the whole world. 

Don't let fear hold you back from achieving your goals and dreams! Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced. Nothing should be feared, it only needs to be better understood. The biggest mistake we can make in life is living in constant fear that we will make one. If you want to conquer fear don't just sit around thinking about it, take control, and take action, and soon you will realize there was never anything to be afraid of! Remember that fear is nothing more than an obstacle that stands in the way of our progress. In overcoming them we can move forward stronger and wiser within ourselves.

 

Make today great!

 

 - Curtis

"Nothing in life is to be feared, it is only to be understood. Now is the time to understand more so that we may fear less." - Marie Curie